Wednesday at Work
-Boss dude brought me a fruit and yogurt parfait. Everyone likes parfait.
-Aubrey dude brought Krispy Kreme. As long as you can slowly kill your customers one stroke at a time, spelling is unimportant and you may drop out of school.
-Supervisor dude saved me the blue Jolly Ranchers, because they're my favorite.

Thursday at Work


Evil Canoe Game of Death

Candy Cup

Candy Cove

Candy Container

Candy on Counter
Crappy Candy

Candy Cupboard + Glasses to better see the candy with, my dears.
Second Lunch

I always feel so lively by the time I get home.

Why I like Wednesdays and Thursdays

7 dates.

10 days.

4 boys.

If I were to use a word to describe how I feel about this, I would use "obscene."

I need a nap.
World. Stankin. Record.

plus I'm trying to kill time.

Sometimes my phone does this to me. Actually, this has only happened once before, but today I called my roommates to talk about boys and this is the message that has been glaring at me ever since. Really, it won't go away.

In other news, I have a date tonight. Fifteen minutes ago, in theory. Or maybe forty-five. I honestly can't remember. That's why I'm trying to kill time. Must be a coincidence.

...I need to pee. Ok, stopping that.
Since the photobooth camera was out anyway...

Yes, I am writing a post about a water-bottle, of the promotional variety. That's disgusting.
I love this water-bottle. It is camelbak brand with the fancy squishy mouthpiece thing. I think we just celebrated our 1.5 month anniversary. Cheers.

The reason I love it so much is because I drink three times the water because it's so convenient: no awkward sucky noises, no need to tip the bottle up to get the water into your's like zero effort--my favorite kind of effort. These are the reasons why water is so good and you should get this water-bottle in order to maximize your intake of said beverage:

1) You get to take substantially increased numbers of pee breaks during work, and work pee breaks are the best. That's probably not appropriate language for children. I'll maybe stop that.

2) Your face will clear right up if you guzzle this stuff. Really, try it. Plus, who doesn't want to guzzle? It just sounds like a good activity.

3) You'll feel like an athlete. Athletes drink water, right? Or you'll feel like a poser, which is less of a benefit but I guess it works if you like it as a reason.

4)  It'll fill your tummy up during those in-between meal times when you can't tell if you're hungry or not. You're not. You just need to guzzle a liter of water. Guzzle it.

5) Your mouth will cease to be parched, which is good for other activities as well I guess...
I just found a tall glass of water.

When you hear the fan blast on in the bathroom, and you know the toilet has been vanquished and you are next.
Simpleton Pleasure #5: Resting in Peace

These precautions shouldn't even be necessary, but they totally are.

High school dances were fun times.
Date time up in this piece

It's strange that the addition of this segment coincides with Jordan creating a blog of his own. One day I will share it with you. For now, it's just unfortunate that he all of a sudden can read my blog. I don't think this will go over well with him. Oh well. Maybe we should all be more careful about what we say to Laura when we go into her room after midnight feeling a little crazy while she's holding a camera.

"Laura, this wooden claw is not only a back scratcher-- it is a butt scratcher."
{singing} "Ladies, I'm itchin my bum, but you still love meeeee."
Jordan Says Again

I have a new segment for you. It's called "Jordan Says." I imagine it will become a regular appearance around these parts, because the things Jordan says are just really absurd and too thought-provoking to not share.

"Apparently all girls like boys who are nerdy and shy and weird, so I'm going to write a love song that is humble."

{singing in a crazy whispered falsetto with his eyes closed} "You're so beautiful, and you are out of my leeeeague."

Look at his legs. Tell me you can resist this humble nerd. You can't do it.
Jordan Says

Today I purchased socks. Socks are great. I like the kind that are "ankle cut" but not "no show." Those ones slide into the shoe and are just annoying. 

 Considering the options, I came dangerously close to buying the Fruit of the Loom variety. They were the exact cut and color I could ever desire from a sock.

However, I stopped short when my outstretched fingers were as near as could be to closing around the cheap package.

"Is this ok?"

I asked myself,

"I feel like I'm cheating on my family name."

Then I put the socks back and went for the far superior brand that really didn't have any of the qualities I was looking for in a sock. Thou shalt never call this Simpleton unfaithful.
Staying faithful

49 1/2 reasons not to read this page
1)      Because I am a crazy person and it could be harmful to your mental health. 2)      Because 3 liters later, I just peed crystal for the seventh time since coming to work (water and I have recently established a very give-and-take open, healthy relationship). 3)      Because I honestly just did bicycle crunches on the floor of my work bathroom. 4)      Because this post is all about me, and nobody likes that, especially not me. 5)      Because listening to my jipod whilst driving from Jallen’s to Jidaho makes me a jit person. 6)      Because I use the word “whilst” altogether more often than is entirely necessary or socially appropriate. 7)      Because your mom goes to college. 8)      Because I AM your mother, Simpletons. 9)      Because I birthed you when my baby-hunger screamed, “NOW!!!!” 10)   Because I had a protein drink and V8 for lunch, and then I peed again. 11)   Because date time=facial hair time. 12)   Because my muscles look like New York City. 13)   Because I am goodski and not deadski. 14)   Because I run for fun to colleges and ruins and places like that! I’m being serious, ok? 15)   Because I have seen Nacho Libre so many times that it is a permanent part of my vernacular, as well as anyone else’s who has spent any amount of time with me, whether they have seen the classic or not. 16)   Because I should probably find something better to do with my hands while reading than pull out all my hair. Sorry Laura, bald spots are not coming back in as long as Trump boy remains an unpopular political figure. 17)   Because I like girls who are mermaids, and some boys who are mermaids too. 18)   Because I will give you the stankiest glare you have ever experienced if you ever interrupt me while I’m reading a book. 19)   Because I make up words that have not until the moment I used them been in existification. 20)   Because I fooled some poor souls into snapping my picture for a photoshoot I didn’t even win, and picture-snapping of Laura just really is not a good idea.
21)   Because creeping is a favorite pasttime of mine that will probably be passed onto my offspring when they come poppin’ out their mama like some kettle corn. 22)   Because butter-popcorn flavored candy is the only way to go. 23)   Because I made a delicious pie out of avacados. 24)   Because I made a delicious cake out of potatoes. 25)   Because you will only understand half of these reasons if you’re an avid reader, and even then you’re going to leave your computer sorrily confused. 26)   Because tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, and I honestly could not be more excited about it. 27)   Because I have good news: I saw a dog today. 28)   Because Jon is my boyfriend, and all I went for Christmas is a calculator, and these two ideas are very interrelated. 29)   Because I have a crush on eeeeeeevery boy. 30)   Because because. 31)   Because I score 6 hours of sleep on a good night. 32)   Because I score 80 out of 100 on a good math test. 33)   Because math is my major I guess. 34)   Because my dad is listening to a song on full blast about some guy who’s in love with some grandma. 35)   Because my grandma is like "whoa" and asks me how I get into my skinny jeans. 36)   Because my four main food groups are water, watercress, watermelon, and protein powder. 37)   Because I broke my arm when I tripped on the vacuum cord. 38)   Because I broke my pinky when I tried to cartwheel down a mountain. 39)   Because I broke all sense of self pride when I started this blog. 40)   Because this one time, I helped eat an entire jumbo roll of Tollhouse Cookie Dough as fast as I could, and that was after I had already consumed a spaghetti-poptart-marshmallow-syrup feast.

41)    Because ripping my pants is a whole lot cooler story on days when I’m wearing fanschy undies and feeling particularly friendly towards passing strangers. 42)   Because I gave up crocheting all my clothes five hours ago when I had one long line and accidentally pulled the whole thing undone. That could be awkward if it were on my body. I think I just graduated from your mother to nasty grandmammy status. 43)   Because telling your coworkwers (all baby-boomers) to dance on their desk is a common occurance and a good activity. 44)   Because “smells nice” is number 4 on my list of features that cause me to involuntarily shimmy. 45)   Because I have a list of features that cause me  to involuntarily shimmy. 46) Because I would be content playing RISK and watching submarine warfare movies all week long; my husband-to-be is one lucky, good-smelling man. 47) Because I just took pee number 9—we we we so excited for the double digits! 48) Because the past 46 reasons have just been subcategories of the first reason, and how unoriginal is that? 49) Because all of these reasons actually verify the title via reason #1, instead of just coughing out pointless Google facts the 9th graders thought were funny like your Jr. High yearbook equivalent to this post. 49.5) Because I’m going to bed and so should you, and nobody even knows what a half a reason is anyway.
Half the post your yearbook page will ever be

I tried a piece of dark chocolate and liked it. What makes this different isn’t so much that I liked it, but that I preferred it. It was a miracle in my mouth. I would choose it again over all the milk chocolate Mr. Goodbars and Krackles in the bowl.

Today, I am a woman

And then on the way home, a country song came on. I listened to the whole dog-on thing and enjoyed it. This wasn’t even T-Swift; it was real. I’m still trying to interpret the meaning of that one.
Today, I am a woman.

Imagine I am wearing this outfit on my body instead of hanging it on my door with ghetto-fab hangers and taking a picture of it. All my little photographers are playing Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

Add in my long saggy socks that are currently in the warsh.
I am the Folkiest Flairiest Fiend on this side of Fayre Happy Valley.

Ruth and Kayla win the prize for coolest blog idea.

I better win.
I've got the Folk Flair

Jordan approved my outfit.

Jordan chose my lotion.

Jordan selected my hairstyle.

Jordan told me which shoes to wear.

It was a pretty good date.
Brothers are the greatest

Ya, I just put it on China to make it look fancy. Also, it makes me feel like a king, if you know what I mean.

Kipper on Toast

Go ahead Virginia, hate on my healthful food. 

I for one think it is delicious. 
It's mine. I took it out of the oven and put it on my plate.

Today I spent hecka long hours in our delicious state capital city for training. 

I made besties with guuuurls who are ethnicly cooler than me and who I will never see again. I went shopping for hours with said just-met besties who I will never see again. Then I made a punny.

A girl in the group dropped her bag and out tumbled a roll of toilet paper.
said I. Three pun points for Laura.

Any recently cracked puns out there deserving of pun points? Comment up.You may be richly awarded with some p-p's of your own (grow up, children). If you got nothing, try harder and be a less lame human being. Next Punday is only 7 days away!

Punday Monday

of the Freddy variety.

Blorld, meet Freddy. You could practically call him my best dude-friend, if that's not weird for you. There are superior pictures of The Fred on Facebook, but they're inappropriate (seductive poses and the like). I'll spare you.

Freddy is a beast.
He runs marathons and takes the best time for his age group.

Freddy prefers everything with PCP. Fittingly, he will be serving a two-year mission in Columbia; the drug-capitol won't know what it's been hit with. There was a period of about three months when every time he came over for a lunch party, we'd serve him up on the teeny tiny plate because all the other dishes were in use (lunch parties are ginormous) and nobody else wanted it. We called it his Portion Control Plate. He loved the idea. We didn't find out until three months later that he really had never heard of PCP before and thought the whole thing was rather innocent. 

(In case there are other innocent souls out there, PCP is a the street name for a hallucinogenic drug.)


When we speak of stalker Freddy, we speak of Frederick. One time he stalked my roommate and I. It all worked out in the end: we ran together at 6:00 every morning for seven months straight and won the above pictured shirts. This is why we keep feeding him-- for the free shirt benefits he forces us into, and also for those days when he has $80 left on his Cannon card and takes us to eat our weight in pizza and salad.
I think this was a ploy to force us to listen to his sexist jokes for an hour.
Oh well, as long as I'm not paying for it.

Freddy is witty. Freddy made a blog. I suggested he call it Bill, or Doug, or Goodski, or Fred Nye the Science Guy. He rejected these names and stuck with something more "practical."
(If anyone needs help coming up with a blog title, you know who to come to, or not to come to. But if you know who not to come to, that person had better not be me.)
I'd link you up, but I haven't asked his permission.
(May I request the pants-ripping story you texted me for your next entry?)

I wrote this post because he cried for it. Yes, cried. Like a child who dropped his ice-cream on his birthday. Oh ya, and happy birthday dude-friend.
I could have won the war right here, but I held back for you today.




(---like it says under the header)


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