Family pet

I have a new friend. He's a small asian man down the way. Let's call him Topher, for anonymity's sake. I don't remember precisely when our bond took root, but it was invariably either after a time when I went crazy and verbally lashed the world, or when I kicked him out of the apartment, or when he saw me arranging flowers in my sweatpants and XXXL man's shirt with sopping wet hair, or when he looked through my phone pictures and found the ones of me modeling ugly jumpsuits in fitting rooms, or when he overheard me telling some story highly revealing of how crazy I am. Or maybe it was when he heard I have a blog. He likes blogs.


1) That time when he burst unannounced into our living room and Elizabeth tried to pick a fight with him. He told her he would if she wanted to and that he had fought some girl before. Conversation:

Elizabeth: Wait, you fought her? That's terrible! You can't hit a girl!
Topher: But I'm nice and do what girls want, and she wanted me to!
Elizabeth: Are you trying to say that you'd do anything a girl wanted, just because she asked you to?
Topher: Yes.
Elizabeth: Fine, I want an ice-cream cone. 
Topher: Hmm....okay, bye.

We thought he was gone for good, but nonetheless should not have been so surprised when he showed up fifteen minutes later with a heaping bowl of chocolate-chocolate ice cream and a paper cone on top of it. Elizabeth and I sat, jaws agape, while Dottie had the presence of mind to seize the opportunity:

Dottie: I want a unicorn.
Topher: I never turn down a challenge. One unicorn, coming right up!

Fifteen minutes later, he showed up with a picture of a unicorn carved into a piece of toast. Then he booked it out of there before I could procure a wish-list.

2) The half dozen times he invited himself in while I wasn't around asking, "Is Laura here? I miss her." When told I was nowhere to be found, he'd promptly leave the premises.
3) That time he showed up on a Saturday night and Dottie and I sat in our sweatpants on the living room couch. Swinging the door violently open and looking wildly around, his eyes locked with mine and he fell down on the ground.  

"Why didn't I realize you were so cool until now? It's almost too late. Will I see you again after the semester?"

Instead of responding, I glared at my gleeful roommates, daring them to give him my new address for Winter semester. When Dottie left my side to get a glass of water, he missed no beat in filling her spot, laying his head on my shoulder, and weeping softly.

Good thing Dottie returned when she did. She stopped cold at the sight, gave a roar of disapproval, and mercilessly beat Topher to the other side of the couch with a pillow, all while shouting angry phrases like "How dare you!" and "Get away from her!" She must've been feeling especially emotional, because she then collapsed down next to me, threw her arms around my neck, and began to sob.

Ok, we're all a bunch of dramatists. We do what we must to get the job done.

4) Two days ago, when he walked unannounced into our kitchen, he locked into my suddenly fearful eyes. Taking long strides in my direction, he dropped a term paper on the table in front of me, cradled my head into his chest, and sighed.

"Oh good, you're here. Read through this paper for me."

So I did. Maybe I secretly like him, like one might like a small pet chihuahua.

Topher reads my blog. I temporarily blocked him, but he'll find a way to read this anyway, I'm sure.
How awkward. 

1 comment

  1. Haha, I'm sorry, but it's a little bit funny. Laura, I love your blog



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