I've discovered the official source of my impossible pregnancy exhaustion and it is (drumroll plz): my firstborn child!
Yay.
Why am I not surprised? Better question: Why am I a little bit surprised?
I got my blood results back from last week's draw, and even though my HCT/HCG/RBC are still on the low end, they're back within the acceptable range to no longer be considered anemia. Yay iron supplementation. However, I honestly don't feel any less tired than I did before. I started to think maybe it was a touch of depression? The only time I've been truly, clinically depressed was when we lived in Grenada, and getting on an antidepressant for a few months helped a ton.
I haven't been feeling numb like I did then so much though--mostly just incredibly tired and grouchy, and a little sad at times. Jared encouraged me to do an SSRQ at my last OB visit, and my doctor did end up putting me on the same antidepressant that worked for me in Grenada. I haven't noticed much difference though, and I kind of don't think depression is what's going on here. Honestly my current mental state is probably a combo of being pregnant and skewed expectations for Jared's work schedule. It's really common to finish up nearly a decade of medical school and residency training and then when you finally get to start your DWT (done with training) life have thoughts of, "Wait--we did all that for this?" Someone actually wrote a book called exactly that, about this concept. Don't get me wrong--we are both very happy with Jared's career choice. He is fulfilled in his work, and the people he works with every day, patients and staff alike, are lovely. And I can be a stay-at-home-mom as long as I want to, which in this economy?! So grateful.
I think the issue is that I've spent the last several years expecting Jared's schedule in his post-training family medicine career to look more-or-less like my own dad's schedule when I was growing up. After all, family medicine is known for being a "family friendly" specialty. I pictured family breakfasts together and 5:30 family dinners. But I'm realizing that's not what Jared's career is, and it's not what it's going to be, so I'm working to shift those expectations so I don't feel bitter about it. Family physicians have to do quite a bit of patient prep/research before their clinic hours even begin, and in addition to working through his lunch catching up on admin stuff, Jared usually has a few hours of notes to complete after his clinic day is "over." That means more often than not, he leaves for work before we wake up, and he doesn't get home for dinner until close to 7:00 many evenings. It's a lot of hours for him to work, and for me to be carrying the brunt of the parenting load throughout the day, but I'm up for it as long as I know and can accept that this is just what it's going to look like. And I'm sure my angst will improve when I'm not pregnant anymore too. At least we've got weekends and holidays together, and a free afternoon after 1:00 on Mondays! Could definitely be worse.
But back to my child-induced exhaustion. I've said this before but for the past few months nothing has been able to pull me out of the tired fog. Not a decent night's sleep, not caffeine, not even 3 (accidental) naps a day. So when Jared's family invited us on some fun all-day adventures over the weekend, I decided to send Jared and Jack without me and use that time to prep for baby coming next month, since I'm unable to accomplish pretty much anything these days between my exhaustion and Jack being home all the time. I fully expected to need a fat nap in the middle of my day off, but I didn't get tired once that day! Just energized and happy and productive. But then the next day with Jack home, back to exhausted. So today I did an experiment. Jack does an hour of quiet time every day. Mostly I end up resting or falling asleep during that time lately. But today, even though I was sooooo tired and just wanted to stay laying down when quiet time came around, I decided to go downstairs, away from The Jack, and see if the tired would go away while I drafted this blog post. And it immediately did! As soon as I was downstairs in my own space, boom, energy back. So anywayyyyyy we r ready for preschool over here lol. But also terrified of newborn sleepless nights. Might be a whiiiiiile before my energy really returns. We might need a LOT of sports camps in future summers for me to make it through these child-rearing years. Also good chance I'll get myself a part-time job outside the home a few years down the line. The future is bright.
Whelp, that was long. Thanks for sticking with me through that therapy sesh. Hmm, other updates:
-Baby A is using me as a punching bag. Also a kicking bag. Kicking and punching. At the same time. All the time. My doctor's like, "Try to count 6-8 movements in an hour each day." And I'm like, "I just counted 10 movements during that sentence." We very well might have a Baby Jack 2.0 about to grace our presence. I am bracing myself and preparing myself and pumping myself up and excited and horrified! Dear everyone, please stop telling me you're praying for this baby to be the opposite of Jack. It's probably not gonna happen. Also Jack is the GOAT. The bee's knees. A rough little infant but the smartest, kindest, most charismatic and exuberant manchild. We love that exhausting little butt.
-Baby also has hiccups. All. The. Time. Like probably 10 different times a day. My OB is not concerned, but I'm going to continue to bring it up in every appointment because I just am.
-We finished wallpapering the nursery! It looks great! But I probably won't take any pictures until the room is finished, mostly because I just don't have it in me right now. We also found a changing table I love at Goodwill. It is actually an old hutch. But it's the right height, has drawers underneath and shelving storage up above, and just trust me on this one! It does smell very old and thrifted, so I'm gonna shove it full of odor-removing charcoal bags and let you know how it goes. Could be a disaster but in our budget I had the choice of a new (not thrifted) dresser OR a new (not thrifted) rocking chair, and I'll be taking the rocking chair, please and thank you.
-Jared and Jack went rock hunting on Friday, and then floated the lazy Stillaguamish River near our house on Saturday with Jared's parents and brother. Sounds like it was lots of fun and I'm excited to join them for the float next year. (It was a 4-hour float and I'm 8 months pregnant so I was pumped to sit it out and be the drop-off/pick-up service this year.)
-I found my DREAM home on Zillow in Woodland Hills, Utah, and I somehow convinced my parents to go to the open house and film a tour for me haha. I mean, our contract's not up for 2 more years here so it's not like we're looking to buy a home, but golly if I didn't pretend like maybe we could! It's kind of funny because the house is basically a rustic cabin in the woods, but the previous owners did up the inside REAL cute, and the property and wrap-around covered decks give me the butterflies. Hooray for Zillow hobbies. I know I'm not the only one who checks Zillow daily just for kicks. Right? Riiiight?
That's all. I'm delirious. Merry 9:00 to all, and to all a good night!
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