Evolution of a Simpleton's Views on the Mustache

Pre-College Perspective: Mustaches are great. Please do grow one.

Modern Analysis: Spending all my time around pubescent boys who could hardly even grow armpit hair, fuzz on the face must have seemed like something foreign, mature, and attractive. Oh, and old-school awesome. This was before I realized that mature hair follicles correlate in no way with a mature brain. Sometimes the two maturities co-exist, but that is by exception and not by rule.

Freshman Year Perspective: Mustaches are funny. Let's don them together.

Modern Analysis: Some freshman boys could grow decent 'staches, but mostly they came in patchy and lopsided and were a source of humor. I'd never experienced a "No-Shave November" or a "Mustache March" before and thought it was a decent competition which would be made even better when had among the older and wiser returned missionaries. Creepers made them shamefully irresistible, in an indescribable way.

Now: I was willing to give Mustache March a chance, but we're two-thirds of the way through and I'm quite frankly a bit nauseous.

Oh men, stop fooling yourselves. Obviously you have something to prove, or else a freshman girlfriend who loves you solely for your long-term ability to grow creep-status on your face. I imagine that only a hipster could pull off a socially-acceptable mustache, and no self-appreciating hipster would stoop to that bandwagon-esque level.

There are two people alive who can pull of the 'stache.

1) Tom Selleck

2) My dad in the '80s

I imagine the hope for these levels of awesomeness is what sustained my perspectives prior to this point.
But unless you have the world's nicest dimples or some coke-bottle glasses, it's time to take a razor to the face.

I apologize to those whom I may have offended, and invite you to attempt to offer evidence to the contrary.
I'll keep an open mind.
Good luck.

1 comment

  1. http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/mustache-information/styles/



© Simpleton Pleasures. Design by MangoBlogs.