Speed Dating 101

Speed Dating is a skill that becomes especially tricky when there are barriers between you and your so-called-date. Instead of being able to see their face, you have to press your cheek up against the thin barrier to hear what they are saying, knowing that your faces are likely an inch and a half apart. 


start off each date in an embarrassingly witty manner. Numbers were used in place of names as we filled out rating sheets.

Voice from beyond: "Alright, let's get started! What's your number?"
Simpleton: "G6. Fly like a G6. And could I get your digits?"
Skeptical Voice from Beyond: "Uh . . . B3."
Simpleton: "Miss! I like this game. It's just like Battleship."
Frightened Voice from Beyond: "Yeah, maybe."

make up a fake identity, for entertainment purposes. Perhaps you are Barbara from Maryland and you enjoy shopping, petting little doggies, and Bella Swan from the Twilight series.

Fake identities are especially fun when you accidentally use them while talking to the one person there who you will be seeing again regularly and is not completely weird. You nailed that one, G6.

rig the results of this speed-date experiment by grading each date on a faulty numbering system. On a scale from 1 to 7, "negative four" is an acceptable rating for "Compatibility" and "maybe" probably translates into a usable response when answering, "How interested would you be in speaking to this person again?"


Do Not

accuse the first guy you speak to of lying about his nationality. That thick Hispanic accent? Ya, it's not fake.

Bad Move: "Ok 'Mister Guatemala', and how's your poor family you haven't seen in years?"

assume you know the second guy you speak to and tell him all about his hometown and family. You will not only be wrong, you will also elevate your speed-dating status to "Advanced Creep."

tell funny jokes about a major until you find out what they are studying. The only thing worse than quivering under an icy-cold 3-minute-long glare is praying silently behind an unstable barrier that could be kicked into your face at any given moment. I've never loved the sweet music exuding from a shrill metal whistle (more commonly the bringer of an orchestra of pain) more in all my life.


  1. DO count both encounters with the same person as both 1st and 2nd dates. DO announce your 7 second dates last night to as many people as possible.

    DO NOT shave your eyebrows beforehand.

  2. I think G6 is clever. It amused me as I read.

    I'll keep this in mind if I ever try speed dating.



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