One awesome thing about Blogger is that it allows you to see how people have stumbled upon your blog. This week I was delighted to see that somebody had been directed here after Googling "Dating a Simpleton." I figure I should be as helpful as possible to my friends on the World Wide Web, so if you are seeking advice on how to woo a Simpleton, you have come to the right place. Because as evidenced by this picture, I know what I'm talking about. (This picture actually doesn't mean anything, except that I really need to get over this heinous obsession with neons.)
1. Aroma up. Anything will do (although Axe is somewhat distastefully cliche). We Simpletons won't know the difference between Gucci and sap from a straight-up pine forest, we just want a whiff of manly when we catch your downdrift as you walk by. Catch my drift?
2. Be nice. Teasing insults worked in the 8th grade, but now you have to work your wily wit into compliments (yikes!) if you really want to woo and win a woman. Not quite so easy, is it? You poor soul. Take luck.
3. Get skills. Harmonica skills, baby-whispering skills, mashed potato sculpting skills . . . Simpletons only want manfriends with bizarre skills.
4. Belt out tunes in the octave above falsetto. Own it. You might get punched, but the truest Simpletons will secretly think you're funny the first two times you do this.
5. Cold. Cereal. Picnic. BOOM. 80 points to Gryffindor.
This is all assuming you want to catch yourself a lady-Simpleton. If you want to know about dating a Y-chromosomal Simpleton, I have 3 rules for you: hair down, lotion up, and smile unceasingly. Dudes are simple like that.
2. Be nice. Teasing insults worked in the 8th grade, but now you have to work your wily wit into compliments (yikes!) if you really want to woo and win a woman. Not quite so easy, is it? You poor soul. Take luck.
3. Get skills. Harmonica skills, baby-whispering skills, mashed potato sculpting skills . . . Simpletons only want manfriends with bizarre skills.
4. Belt out tunes in the octave above falsetto. Own it. You might get punched, but the truest Simpletons will secretly think you're funny the first two times you do this.
5. Cold. Cereal. Picnic. BOOM. 80 points to Gryffindor.
This is all assuming you want to catch yourself a lady-Simpleton. If you want to know about dating a Y-chromosomal Simpleton, I have 3 rules for you: hair down, lotion up, and smile unceasingly. Dudes are simple like that.
"If you marry him, you will NOT be getting the giant box of baby clothes I've been building up."
After returning home from a shopping excursion during which three middle-aged women walked in on my favorite outfit combination in the fitting room (Le Birthday Suit--Macy's really should invest in some quality door locks), I discovered that my new pinstriped scarf was crafted for feminine men only and my new leather jeggings are . . . leather jeggings.
Tomorrow's Afternoon Forecast: Back to Forever XXI. Maybe I'll exchange for a color-blocked bandeau and some studded ankle-socks.
Hallo friends. Just blogging on my blog. From my golden phone. In my bed. And adding pictures (hallelujah!). Taken with my phone. From my bed. And listening to coldplay on Pandora. On my phone. In my bed.
This may be a bad-news-bears situation. Oh hey Laura. I see you are no longer trapped in the year 2004. That's fine. Just please don't forget your beloved boy-bands.
That's all. Auf wiedersehen.
This may be a bad-news-bears situation. Oh hey Laura. I see you are no longer trapped in the year 2004. That's fine. Just please don't forget your beloved boy-bands.
That's all. Auf wiedersehen.
Prom is more fun than eating gummi-bears on a swing-set, and this is why:
 |
| (once upon a time these colors weren't washed-out) |
Maybe when spring semester's over I'll get a website up and running.
And maybe I'll become emperor of the world.
Dropping my Economics class. Picking up a Fly Fishing class. This is real.
When you only know how to play two songs on the guitar, they probably shouldn't be Blackbird and Classical Gas. But they are. I don't know how this happened, but I feel good about it.
Some classy guy I wasn't even dating broke up with me. Uhh . . . ?
Real friends build their weeks around woman dates to J Dawgs.
I like to keep my dog PG-13: everything but jalapenos. No weeping on woman dates.
I saw a dead guy today. He didn't look half bad besides, well, you know.
Flower delivery to funeral homes is frighteningly fun.
Mint fingernails. Traffic cone toenails. Let's be honest: I'd break up with that too.
Ordered a new phone. It's a smart one. The color is gold, because I'm a high-roller. Maybe this will keep me from chipping off all the paint and spinning it like a top and leaving it in the fridge. Or maybe paint-chippage will increase for the benefit of blinged-up teeth and I'll leave it in increasingly extreme environments because it'll be smart enough to get itself out.
Here's a picture representing the second time I went speed dating and got funny stories and never wrote about it. This was the beginning of the brigade of ethnic men in my life.
What I learned attending 4 hours of classes this afternoon: "Ich heiße Laura."
Google Translate could've told me that in like 5 seconds.
When my ritzy smartphone arrives, I'm quitting college.
Good news: I saw a dog today.
Better news: Along with making a dozen corsages this weekend, I will be reading the Book of Mormon in its entirety. Because I can. And because it'll put some things in perspective. And also because I'm insane.
When you only know how to play two songs on the guitar, they probably shouldn't be Blackbird and Classical Gas. But they are. I don't know how this happened, but I feel good about it.
Some classy guy I wasn't even dating broke up with me. Uhh . . . ?
Real friends build their weeks around woman dates to J Dawgs.
I like to keep my dog PG-13: everything but jalapenos. No weeping on woman dates.
I saw a dead guy today. He didn't look half bad besides, well, you know.
Flower delivery to funeral homes is frighteningly fun.
Mint fingernails. Traffic cone toenails. Let's be honest: I'd break up with that too.
Ordered a new phone. It's a smart one. The color is gold, because I'm a high-roller. Maybe this will keep me from chipping off all the paint and spinning it like a top and leaving it in the fridge. Or maybe paint-chippage will increase for the benefit of blinged-up teeth and I'll leave it in increasingly extreme environments because it'll be smart enough to get itself out.
Here's a picture representing the second time I went speed dating and got funny stories and never wrote about it. This was the beginning of the brigade of ethnic men in my life.
Google Translate could've told me that in like 5 seconds.
When my ritzy smartphone arrives, I'm quitting college.
Good news: I saw a dog today.
Better news: Along with making a dozen corsages this weekend, I will be reading the Book of Mormon in its entirety. Because I can. And because it'll put some things in perspective. And also because I'm insane.
Remember Freddy? I miss Freddy. I think he's actually going by Fred these days. My little baby's all grown up and saving Columbia. And doing really smart things like this:
I'm an awful letter-writer. There are too many people I should be keeping up with, so to compensate I just don't keep up with any of them. Don't worry, it makes sense. Nonetheless, I found this in my inbox today from my BFF Fred:
Laura,
Seriously, who remembers stuff like that when they're halfway around the world? If I were out of the country, finals would be the first thing I'd have cast from my mind.
If you don't have a friend like Freddy, please find one for the sake of your sanity. Too much saneness is never good. There's a Fred for that.
That's my boy.
I'm an awful letter-writer. There are too many people I should be keeping up with, so to compensate I just don't keep up with any of them. Don't worry, it makes sense. Nonetheless, I found this in my inbox today from my BFF Fred:
Laura,
I imagine finals are coming up. Good luck with them!! I´m sure that you´ll rock them and do great. Let´s just say however that I don´t envy you at all. :)
-Elder Cannon
Seriously, who remembers stuff like that when they're halfway around the world? If I were out of the country, finals would be the first thing I'd have cast from my mind.
If you don't have a friend like Freddy, please find one for the sake of your sanity. Too much saneness is never good. There's a Fred for that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)