One awesome thing about Blogger is that it allows you to see how people have stumbled upon your blog. This week I was delighted to see that somebody had been directed here after Googling "Dating a Simpleton." I figure I should be as helpful as possible to my friends on the World Wide Web, so if you are seeking advice on how to woo a Simpleton, you have come to the right place. Because as evidenced by this picture, I know what I'm talking about. (This picture actually doesn't mean anything, except that I really need to get over this heinous obsession with neons.)
1. Aroma up. Anything will do (although Axe is somewhat distastefully cliche). We Simpletons won't know the difference between Gucci and sap from a straight-up pine forest, we just want a whiff of manly when we catch your downdrift as you walk by. Catch my drift?
2. Be nice. Teasing insults worked in the 8th grade, but now you have to work your wily wit into compliments (yikes!) if you
really want to woo and win a woman. Not quite so easy, is it? You poor soul. Take luck.
3. Get skills. Harmonica skills, baby-whispering skills, mashed potato sculpting skills . . . Simpletons only want manfriends with bizarre skills.
4. Belt out tunes in the octave above falsetto. Own it. You might get punched, but the truest Simpletons will secretly think you're funny the first two times you do this.
5. Cold. Cereal. Picnic. BOOM. 80 points to Gryffindor.
This is all assuming you want to catch yourself a lady-Simpleton. If you want to know about dating a Y-chromosomal Simpleton, I have 3 rules for you: hair down, lotion up, and smile unceasingly. Dudes are simple like that.
