I meant to finish this post up yesterday, but our dear sweet Alice is in the transition period of giving up her nap, and I'm finding that more often than not these days I'm losing my free hour. I know this is a natural part of kids growing up, but it is TOUGH not to have that guaranteed block of free time in my day. I'm trying to establish a solid "quiet time" so that once she's completely given up her nap I can still have an hour to rest or get things done while she has a quiet play hour, but so far that isn't taking very well. And weirdly, in the midst of her giving up her nap, both of our kids have started waking up earlier than usual, despite going to sleep at their normal times and the sun rising later each morning. So I'm feeling a touch burned out, and finding it difficult to find the time to get basic tasks done.
I've been reflecting on this "burned out" feeling a lot this week. It feels like it's been years since I've had a "spark" or a passion project I'm excited about. Not that it's mandatory to have a passion project, but I do find I'm generally happier, kinder, more patient, more sparkly when I have a personal creative project I'm excited about rather than just trudging through the daily grind (which is beautiful too). I realized that the entire 12 years Jared and I have been married, we haven't had a SINGLE year that hasn't been swallowed up in a big life change:
Year 1: Just married, me finishing my degree, Jared interviewing at med schools, then preparing to move to Grenada.
Year 2: An international move to a developing country. Jared starts medical school. I start my big girl editing job. Homesickness.
Year 3: A chronic medical diagnosis for me (interstitial cystitis), a major depressive episode🙃, and preparing to move back to some unknown location in the states for Jared's rotations.
Year 4: A big move to Georgia. Puppy training. (This was our most "chill" year, and I did have some creative endeavors and learn how to weave haha)
Year 5: Pregnant with Jack. Every minute of every day consumed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum--feeling like I simultaneously have food poisoning and a stomach flu for 200+ days in a row. Had to give up my editing job.
Year 6: Having a baby. Specifically, the most colicky newborn I've ever seen (poor bb Jack, poor me). Another big move across the country to Utah, then house hunting and a move to Wyoming for Jared to begin his demanding medical residency.
Year 7: Jared working 80-100 hours a week in residency, sometimes at away rotations for weeks at a time. Me raising our colicky baby in a place where we have no family or friends. A global pandemic hits.
Year 8: Residency, and job hunting! Ending up unexpectedly scrambling into a job in Washington state. House hunting. A big move to Washington.
Year 9: Pregnant with Alice. Another hyperemesis gravidarum pregnancy. 200+ more days feeling like I have food poisoning and a stomach flu at the same time.
Year 10: A fairly traumatizing childbirth experience, then newborn life with sweet, tender-tummied baby Alice. Begin the year-long process of job hunting and Jared interviewing in Utah. A stake calling for me.
Year 11: Secure the new job. Begin the turbulent process of home selling, a stressful house-hunt-turned-rental-hunt in Utah, then a big solo move to Utah with the kids and a TOUGH settling in period. Jack has violent panic attacks every morning before school and every night before bed and in the middle of the night for months until his doctor helps us nail down an anxiety diagnosis and find a prescription that really helps him. Praise.
Year 12: An emotional hunt for our (likely) forever home. A pots diagnosis for me. Still to come: another move once our home is completed.
It's been a wild ride that we wouldn't change, and I'm sure years of back-to-back life changes is common for many people in their 20s/30s, but mama's tired. Mama's ready for a year of no moves or babies or job changes. It makes sense that I haven't been able to fan a creative spark into a flame, or get excited about a passion project. There hasn't been a speck of bandwidth for anything other than big life changes in years! Next year will be pretty wild too, but I am setting my sights on our first "calm" year after that. Fingers crossed. I'm holding on to an ember of hope that eventually I'll have some bandwidth back in my life for creative endeavors. But for now, I'm feeling grateful I've been able to stick to finding the time for weekly blog posts so we can always look back and remember this wild, wonderful season. Now for some pictures from our week:
