It's apples, or not. It's chemicals. It's pie.

I'm in the business of fooling the human mind into thinking its body is eating partially healthy, when in reality its body is eating zero percent healthy. It's a rigorously rewarding line of work.

Call it brainwashing or whatever. I like it.

It's time for a cooking journey. Join me.

I advise you make a lovely missionary recipe book for that special someone and/or brother.
He will love it and/or send it untouched back home 23 months out.

Many of you did the following in high school chemistry--this is the only information I retained from that class.

Many of you did not do the following in high school chemistry. You individuals must pay especially close attention, because this is more applicable than the periodic table and more astonishing than a cheap magic show.

Brown Sugar flavoring not necessary

 +

 =

-

So do you believe in magic? 

If not you'd better start, because how a box of Ritz crackers turns into a pie that 

looks, smells, and tastes exactly like apples is beyond me.

The journey to the awesomeness that is Ritz Chemical Apple Pie will jump further higher on your awesomeness radar if you have a crust ready to go, leftover dough with which to make improv pastries (Nutella, lemon curd, maraschino cherries, cream cheese), a boy who will weave the top Native American style, and a brother who will treat you all to "homemade whipped cream" by pouring half & half and powdered sugar over the top.

Happy baking. Science Rules.