I think I'm an alien

• I run at 5 a.m. That's 5 in the alien mutant hour, people. I'm telling you.

• I write posts about knights and knicknack-like knives (honestly, what even is that?) while wearing unflattering polka-dot suspender shorts.

• Planking is one of my all-time favorite activities. "Let us lay face-down on the ground now and take a picture. It will be cool, I promise." Yes, let's!

• I could enjoyably survive on water and chunky peanut butter straight from the jar for the rest of my days, which would consequently be reduced by two decades, give or take a decade.

• It's been weeks since I've woken up without discovering I've either chucked my retainers at the wall or stacked them neatly on my bedside table in my sleep.

• I just spent an hour contemplating how I might go about sewing an ROUS costume (Rodent of Unusual Size).

• Favorite flavor of candy? Butter popcorn. This combination of sweet and lard is a sacred matrimony that I shan't hear anything of being defiled.

• Sometimes I find myself staring at a wall, completely awake, and when I come to I can't remember anything that happened during the previous ten minutes. Probably I was beamed up and worked on.

• Lady friends, I enjoy visits from Auntie Flow (nickname credit to Meg...if she even knew about this blog) because they explain and justify any recent flaws in temperament and my consumption of indecent amounts of peanut-butter pretzels dipped in Nutella, and they also mean I will mysteriously drop 3 pounds within the week.

• Occasionally when l write the word "I" l use a lowercase "L" instead of an uppercase "i" because such undetected tomfoolery brings me twisted satisfaction.

No, I suppose these things are not conducive to human behavior.