Half the post your yearbook page will ever be

49 1/2 reasons not to read this page

1)      Because I am a crazy person and it could be harmful to your mental health. 2)      Because 3 liters later, I just peed crystal for the seventh time since coming to work (water and I have recently established a very give-and-take open, healthy relationship). 3)      Because I honestly just did bicycle crunches on the floor of my work bathroom. 4)      Because this post is all about me, and nobody likes that, especially not me. 5)      Because listening to my jipod whilst driving from Jallen’s to Jidaho makes me a jit person. 6)      Because I use the word “whilst” altogether more often than is entirely necessary or socially appropriate. 7)      Because your mom goes to college. 8)      Because I AM your mother, Simpletons. 9)      Because I birthed you when my baby-hunger screamed, “NOW!!!!” 10)   Because I had a protein drink and V8 for lunch, and then I peed again. 11)   Because date time=facial hair time. 12)   Because my muscles look like New York City. 13)   Because I am goodski and not deadski. 14)   Because I run for fun to colleges and ruins and places like that! I’m being serious, ok? 15)   Because I have seen Nacho Libre so many times that it is a permanent part of my vernacular, as well as anyone else’s who has spent any amount of time with me, whether they have seen the classic or not. 16)   Because I should probably find something better to do with my hands while reading than pull out all my hair. Sorry Laura, bald spots are not coming back in as long as Trump boy remains an unpopular political figure. 17)   Because I like girls who are mermaids, and some boys who are mermaids too. 18)   Because I will give you the stankiest glare you have ever experienced if you ever interrupt me while I’m reading a book. 19)   Because I make up words that have not until the moment I used them been in existification. 20)   Because I fooled some poor souls into snapping my picture for a photoshoot I didn’t even win, and picture-snapping of Laura just really is not a good idea.

21)   Because creeping is a favorite pasttime of mine that will probably be passed onto my offspring when they come poppin’ out their mama like some kettle corn. 22)   Because butter-popcorn flavored candy is the only way to go. 23)   Because I made a delicious pie out of avacados. 24)   Because I made a delicious cake out of potatoes. 25)   Because you will only understand half of these reasons if you’re an avid reader, and even then you’re going to leave your computer sorrily confused. 26)   Because tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, and I honestly could not be more excited about it. 27)   Because I have good news: I saw a dog today. 28)   Because Jon is my boyfriend, and all I went for Christmas is a calculator, and these two ideas are very interrelated. 29)   Because I have a crush on eeeeeeevery boy. 30)   Because because. 31)   Because I score 6 hours of sleep on a good night. 32)   Because I score 80 out of 100 on a good math test. 33)   Because math is my major I guess. 34)   Because my dad is listening to a song on full blast about some guy who’s in love with some grandma. 35)   Because my grandma is like "whoa" and asks me how I get into my skinny jeans. 36)   Because my four main food groups are water, watercress, watermelon, and protein powder. 37)   Because I broke my arm when I tripped on the vacuum cord. 38)   Because I broke my pinky when I tried to cartwheel down a mountain. 39)   Because I broke all sense of self pride when I started this blog. 40)   Because this one time, I helped eat an entire jumbo roll of Tollhouse Cookie Dough as fast as I could, and that was after I had already consumed a spaghetti-poptart-marshmallow-syrup feast.

41)    Because ripping my pants is a whole lot cooler story on days when I’m wearing fanschy undies and feeling particularly friendly towards passing strangers. 42)   Because I gave up crocheting all my clothes five hours ago when I had one long line and accidentally pulled the whole thing undone. That could be awkward if it were on my body. I think I just graduated from your mother to nasty grandmammy status. 43)   Because telling your coworkwers (all baby-boomers) to dance on their desk is a common occurance and a good activity. 44)   Because “smells nice” is number 4 on my list of features that cause me to involuntarily shimmy. 45)   Because I have a list of features that cause me  to involuntarily shimmy. 46) Because I would be content playing RISK and watching submarine warfare movies all week long; my husband-to-be is one lucky, good-smelling man. 47) Because I just took pee number 9—we we we so excited for the double digits! 48) Because the past 46 reasons have just been subcategories of the first reason, and how unoriginal is that? 49) Because all of these reasons actually verify the title via reason #1, instead of just coughing out pointless Google facts the 9^th graders thought were funny like your Jr. High yearbook equivalent to this post. 49.5) Because I’m going to bed and so should you, and nobody even knows what a half a reason is anyway.